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Transcription:Top 100 Final Episodes Ever
(Open against a pink gradient background) (As the announcer speaks, a TV with wings flies by, displaying a heart. Another one passes by with a misshapen smiley face, followed by a third with another TV. A unicorn flies across the screen, leaving a rainbow trail. Below the rainbow, the words "Top 100" and "Final Episodes Ever" come in from opposite sides. "Top 100" is accompanied by a mock-VH1 logo. A silhouette of a man with a TV for a head hung on a noose drops from above, pushing the rainbow off the screen. The TV turns off on "crap programming.") Announcer: We now return to VH1's Top 100 Final Episodes Ever, the latest in our line of "Top 100 something-something Whatever" crap programming. (Fade to white, then to the same pink background. A winged TV flies onscreen displaying "31".) (Cut to an establishing shot of Edna's Edibles. A "foreclosure" sticker is visible in the window. So is Edna Garret, who shakes her head sadly and walks away.) Announcer: The Facts of Life weren't always about Natalie's stretch marks or Jo's extraneous sex organ. Some facts were harsh indeed. (Natalie, Jo, Blair and Tootie are gathered around a table. Mrs. Garret is standing next to Tootie.) Mrs. Garret: Oh, girls, don't look so down. This chapter is over, but a new chapter is right around the corner. (Picks up a tray of glasses from a nearby barrel and places it on the table.) Natalie: Will it be a chapter filled with raw cookie dough? (Laugh track) Mrs. Garret: (Picks up a glass and raises it.) To new beginnings! (The girls raise their glasses as well. Everyone drinks.) Blair: Uh... I feel gross. Jo: Why, did you look in a mirror? (Laugh track. Blair falls to the ground) I feel dizzy. (Also collapses) (Natalie and Tootie begin choking. Natalie falls, taking the chair with her.) Mrs. Garret: Yes my lovlies, (Tootie goes down) nothing will tear us apart. (Natalie struggles onto the table, still choking.) Mrs. Garret: (Strokes Natalie's chin, Natalie grabs her arm.) Yes, we'll be together forever. (Laugh track. Natalie collapses on the table. Mrs. Garret finishes her glass and begins choking. She falls down, dragging Natalie with her.) (Fade to white, then to the pink background. The TV flies onscreen displaying "30".) (Cut to a shot of Thurgood Stubbs driving a car.) Announcer: Remember Eddie Murphy's FOX show "The PJs"? Me neither. (Police siren goes off) Thurgood: What on Eartha Kitt? Whitney Houston, we have a problem. (Zoom out, revealing the prostitute in the passenger seat.) If they ask, you's my sister. Prostitute: You mean brother. Thurgood: What, you ain't got no Urkel. (The prostitute lifts her... er... his skirt, with appropriate inappropriate sound effect.) D'oh! Vivica A. fuck! (Fade to white, then to the pink background. The TV flies onscreen displaying "29".) (Cut to a scene from Mork & Mindy. Mork does a headstand on the couch, while Mindy looks on, amused.) Announcer: When Mork & Mindy ended after four seasons, the "shazzbot" really hit the fan. (Two men in hazmat suits walk in from the left and grab Mork. An agent in a suit walks in from the right, carrying a briefcase.) Agent: (Opens the briefcase, revealing a massive amount of money) You did the right thing, Ms. McConnell. Mindy: Oh, Na-Nu Na-Nu. (Waves at Mork as the hazmat guys carry him off. Laugh track.) (Cut to an operating room. Mork lies on the table while the hazmat guys from earlier operate on him, apparently with no anesthetics.) Mork: Oh, cutting into me. That's not a... I'm gonna need those. Ay, don't even take those. Ay ay you're taking them... Oh, not Mr. Happy. (Lapses into incomprehensible gibberish, then dies.) (Fade to white, then to the pink background. The TV flies onscreen displaying "28".) (Cut to a shot of David Banner walking into the sunset.) Announcer: The Incredible Hulk was a ratings behemoth, but eventually David Banner walked off into the sunset for the final time. (A van drives by, with a guy holding a baseball bat leaning out of the window. The guy hits Banner in the head, killing him instantly.) Announcer: On a related note, Bill Bixby walked into the sunset for the final time on November 21st, 1993. His bat was cancer. (Fade to white, then to the pink background. The TV flies onscreen displaying "27".) (Cut to a shot of the Love Boat. As the announcer speaks the boat sails into an iceberg and crashes.) Announcer: For ten seasons, the Love Boat stank. In the final episode, the Love Boat sank. (Cut to the deck of the Pacific Princess. Captain Stubing and Gopher look out over the water. Panicked tourists run around behind them.) Gopher: (Holding a life vest) Will you go down with the ship, Captain? Capt. Stubing: That water looks cold, Gopher. Far, far too cold. (pulls out a handgun and holds it up to his head.) See ya in hell, assholes. (Shoots himself, splattering blood over Gopher. Laugh track.) (Cut to the previous external shot. The ship beaks exactly in half, the stern sinking first. Laugh track.) (Back on the ship. Florence Henderson hangs off one the ship's exhaust ports. A title reading "Special Guest Star Florence Henderson" appears at the bottom of the screen.) Henderson: Help me! Oh, for the love of God help me! (A falling woman grabs her legs, but slips off. Florence loses her grip as well, bouncing off the walls of the ship as she falls. Laugh track.) (Cut to Doc, Ace, Vicki and Isaac floating in the water. Sharks are swimming around them.) Doc: Uh, this is looking ba... (Is pulled under by a shark.) Ugh! Ace: Oh! (Also dragged under.) Isaac: Oh, no. (Going down. Laugh track.) (Vicki simply allows herself to sink.) (Cut to the pink background. The second half of the intro (The flying unicorn onward) repeats.) Announcer: Coming up on VH1's Top 100 Final Episodes Ever... (Cut to a shot from M*A*S*H. Hawkeye Pierce sits on an operating table.) Hawkeye: It wasn't a chicken... it was a baby! (Laugh track.) (Roll Credits) Top 100 Final Episodes Ever